Community Is Not Perfect

After living in community for five years—a year in the freshmen dorms, two years living in the Multifaith Living Community (MLC), a year living with volunteers abroad, and a final year at the MLC—I’m at home with my family. In brainstorming ideas for this reflection, I spent considerable mental energy trying to convince myself that my family was not community: their support in my attempts to consume less and use less technology is limited; they feed me close-ended questions and bicker too much; they don’t challenge each other spiritually or ask interesting and thought-provoking questions. But I’ve had community members who did not support each other fully, who retreated into their rooms and didn’t engage with us, who bickered face-to-face or who refused to talk to each other, who lied or were passive-aggressive, who blamed others for all the community problems or who never apologized. Why was I trying to define community as perfect? Then, I began to see all the reasons my family actually is community: because we have a hard time communicating, but sometimes try; because though many times we’re not happy to see each other, frequently we are; because even when we don’t know how to help each other, we do see each other through our ups and downs; because we show our love and affection in strange ways—but we show it; because even when the day consists of bickering, we can laugh together; because even though being together can be beyond frustrating, we haven’t given up on each other.

So here I am, home in this strange in-between time, frequently frustrated but exactly where I want to be. I’m very much a part of the need for growth my family—my current community—has, and I’m willing to be part of that growth.

Community is not perfect. I think it is the desire of community members to work on things—hopefully to work through things—together that make them a community.

For those of you who have time and would like to reflect about, act upon, or respond to this theme of community more, here are some ideas for ways you can go about doing this. Scan through them and chose one or two you’d like to do over the next week or month.

~ Read this article about the Multifaith Living Community. Think about: What do you need from those around you to feel comfortable and respected? What triggers you to feel uncomfortable or shut off from connecting with others? What theme(s) are you most and least comfortable discussing with others? What barriers have you seen others put up (healthy or unhealthy) that inhibited personal relationships? What barriers to you put up or have you put up in the past in personal relationships?

~ I have found that it is very important to be able to articulate one’s habits, tendencies, and needs in community. You may find what you learn through these online enneagram, Myers-Briggs, love languages, and/or conflict management styles tests interesting ways to learn about yourself and begin to articulate who you are. It’s also great to learn about the infinite other places people can come from and helpful to realize that there are so many different ways to be as people. (I know in Ciudad Sandino the JVs all know their enneagram number, so I’m glad Maddie encouraged me to learn mine.)

~ I asked some of my past community mates at the MLC to philosophize about what community is to them. Reflect on what they have said. What most stands out to you? With what do you agree or disagree? What reminds you of a personal story? Please share if you would like!

 “Community shatters preconceptions, perpetually reinforces character, and inherently breathes and lives the very things that make us human - both the good and the bad. We go into a community knowing little, and we a leave a community knowing just a little bit more. And with that in mind, we still have much left to discover and a whole world to change.”

“Community is about not being afraid to show your dirty laundry because you've already seen everyone else's. It's about not having to fake a smile, but doing it anyways just out of decency. Community is about being okay with who you are and with who everyone else is, because we're all trying and everyone knows it.”

“Community is having someone to say hi to after having even the worst day.”

“Community is partially derived from the word "munis," which, in Latin, means gift. Therefore, community literally means those who share a common gift. In my opinion, that gift is each other. That gift is the community.”

“I think that it's really cool that the word "unity" is in the actual word. Just sayin'.”

 “Community is forcing yourself to be outside of your comfort zone. Community is recognizing that you can be wrong and people make mistakes. Community is needing to be patient with others because they will teach you everything you need to know about life. Community is making an effort not to leave passive aggressive notes on white boards and post-its and instead having direct, honest, and open communication. Community is everything, but you need to put as much into it as you expect to receive.”

~ In response to the first quote above (my personal favorite), what steps can you take to begin breaking down your preconceptions now,  to begin recognizing that you know nothing about those around you? Try to do this more intentionally either for a day or for a conversation or in a certain situation you frequently encounter. If you’d like, tell us about your experience!

~ Share a story with us—good or bad, with or without a happy ending—from your experience living in community!